dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
