Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
