My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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