i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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