dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
