I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Come share oat with me in your robe
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
