She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
