I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
