thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize