i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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