The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
