She is in my trunk
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
