Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
