Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
They took my balls.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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