If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
