Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
