I should be sponsored by Trojan
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
