I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
