Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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