i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
