By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
