I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
