My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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