I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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