I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
