I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
