RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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