Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
