Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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