I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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