I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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