So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
