we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
