he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
