I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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