Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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