The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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