I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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