i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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