I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Randomize
