Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
