my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
