the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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