Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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