I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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