Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
