Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
