I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
