McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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