I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
