I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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