Who wears a wallet chain?!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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