I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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