i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
