I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
