A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
